A man tells his friend that he has bought the best, most expensive hearing aid in the world. He goes on to say that it is invisible in the ear, it is so comfortable you don't even realize it's there, and the battery lasts for years.
The friend asked "How much did it cost?"
He replied "It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
Really," answered the friend. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Friday, August 5, 2011
Little Johnny at it again!
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny."
Then Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as fuck can't wear glasses."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny."
Then Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as fuck can't wear glasses."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Doctor Mishaps!
Only in a hospital:
>
> Only in a hospital A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
> my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
> and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
> that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
> elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully replied the patient.
>
> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
> reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart,"
>
> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
> except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
> the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
> "KY Jelly."
>
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his
> residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
> had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
> middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
> replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
> was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
>
> Colonoscopy humor A physician claims these are
> actual comments from his patients made while he was
> performing colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no
> man has gone before."
>
> 2. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet?"
>
> 3. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 4. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
> 5. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
>
> 6. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 7. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying
> that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
>
> Only in a hospital A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
> my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
> and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
> that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
> elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully replied the patient.
>
> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
> reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart,"
>
> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
> except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
> the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
> "KY Jelly."
>
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his
> residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
> had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
> middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
> replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
> was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
>
> Colonoscopy humor A physician claims these are
> actual comments from his patients made while he was
> performing colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no
> man has gone before."
>
> 2. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet?"
>
> 3. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 4. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
> 5. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
>
> 6. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 7. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying
> that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Froggy!!!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that
all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,"he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than rivolting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here".
all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,"he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than rivolting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here".
Kid are funny!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and
asks, "What are you in here for.? " The second kid says, " I'm in
here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. " The first
kid says, " you ' ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze. "
The second kid than asks, " what are you here for. ? " The first kid
says, "A circumcision. " And the second kid says, " Whoa , good luck
buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year. "
each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and
asks, "What are you in here for.? " The second kid says, " I'm in
here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. " The first
kid says, " you ' ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze. "
The second kid than asks, " what are you here for. ? " The first kid
says, "A circumcision. " And the second kid says, " Whoa , good luck
buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year. "
American Admiral (Don't know how true it is, but it sounds right)
An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked "Why is it
that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak
French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not
have to speak in German."
The group became silent.
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked "Why is it
that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak
French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not
have to speak in German."
The group became silent.
Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following this simple advice, I have finally found Inner Peace:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished...and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a
bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my
Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and a pizza.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished...and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a
bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my
Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and a pizza.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
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