A man tells his friend that he has bought the best, most expensive hearing aid in the world. He goes on to say that it is invisible in the ear, it is so comfortable you don't even realize it's there, and the battery lasts for years.
The friend asked "How much did it cost?"
He replied "It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
Really," answered the friend. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Friday, August 5, 2011
Little Johnny at it again!
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny."
Then Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as fuck can't wear glasses."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny."
Then Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as fuck can't wear glasses."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Doctor Mishaps!
Only in a hospital:
>
> Only in a hospital A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
> my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
> and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
> that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
> elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully replied the patient.
>
> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
> reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart,"
>
> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
> except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
> the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
> "KY Jelly."
>
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his
> residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
> had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
> middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
> replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
> was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
>
> Colonoscopy humor A physician claims these are
> actual comments from his patients made while he was
> performing colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no
> man has gone before."
>
> 2. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet?"
>
> 3. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 4. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
> 5. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
>
> 6. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 7. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying
> that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
>
> Only in a hospital A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed
> my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
> and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
> that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
> elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully replied the patient.
>
> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
> wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
> infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
> reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart,"
>
> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
> except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
> the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
> "KY Jelly."
>
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . . . A new, young MD when doing his
> residency in OB, was quite embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
> had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The
> middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
> replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
> was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
>
> Colonoscopy humor A physician claims these are
> actual comments from his patients made while he was
> performing colonoscopies:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no
> man has gone before."
>
> 2. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> there yet?"
>
> 3. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 4. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
> 5. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
> out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
>
> 6. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
> 7. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying
> that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
Froggy!!!
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that
all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,"he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than rivolting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here".
all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
"Blowjobs?!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,"he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than rivolting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here".
Kid are funny!
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and
asks, "What are you in here for.? " The second kid says, " I'm in
here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. " The first
kid says, " you ' ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze. "
The second kid than asks, " what are you here for. ? " The first kid
says, "A circumcision. " And the second kid says, " Whoa , good luck
buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year. "
each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and
asks, "What are you in here for.? " The second kid says, " I'm in
here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous. " The first
kid says, " you ' ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze. "
The second kid than asks, " what are you here for. ? " The first kid
says, "A circumcision. " And the second kid says, " Whoa , good luck
buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year. "
American Admiral (Don't know how true it is, but it sounds right)
An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked "Why is it
that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak
French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not
have to speak in German."
The group became silent.
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.
The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked "Why is it
that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you speak
French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not
have to speak in German."
The group became silent.
Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following this simple advice, I have finally found Inner Peace:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished...and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a
bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my
Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and a pizza.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished...and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a
bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my
Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and a pizza.
You have no idea how good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
Michael Jackson jokes... a must have...
Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A. Its called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing."
Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles park outside his house.
Q. Why was Michael Jackson spotted at Kmart?
A. He heard boys' pants were half-off!
Q. Whats the difference between Mr. Potato head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has more noses.
Q. When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A. When the big hand is on the little!
Q. What do Michael Jackson and Jockeys have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.
Q. What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. I believe you're in my son.
Q. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.
Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two Five year olds.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it is to expensive to rent one at 2 million a pop!
Q. What is brown and in a babys Diaper?
A. Michael Jackson’s Hand.
Q. What is white and in Michael Jackson’s Pocket?
A. His other hand.
Q. What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A. Throw him a Buoy.
Q. What is black and comes in little white cans?
A. Michael Jackson!
Q. Why did Pepsi Fire Michael Jackson?
A. Because he was sucking on a Squirt.
Q. What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?
A. Blowing his first nose.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. Why are Michael Jackson’s pants so small?
A. Because they aren’t his!
Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little randy.
Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.
Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.
Knock knock!
Who’s There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit a iceberg and started to sink. The Captain announce. We’re sinking, everyone abandon ship!
Michael Jackson asked, What about the children?
The captain replied. Screw the children!
Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said Do you think we have time?
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears anymore allegations about little boys, the pope says he’ll have no choice but to make him a priest.
New Medical Discovery and more
Medical science has discovered in the human body
a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole.
It is called the anal optic nerve, and is responsible
for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe this,
pull a hair from your ass and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye !!!!!
__________________________________________________________________________________
Random knowledge
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone, what are you a fuckin stalker?
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
Then things get worse.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
22. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
23. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
24. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN
WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!
a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole.
It is called the anal optic nerve, and is responsible
for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe this,
pull a hair from your ass and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye !!!!!
__________________________________________________________________________________
Random knowledge
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone, what are you a fuckin stalker?
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...
Then things get worse.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
22. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
23. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
24. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN
WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED!
USMC Rules of Engagement
USMC Rules of Engagement
(This is information only - not an endorsement)
USMC Rules For Gun Fighting:
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".
3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
4. Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
5. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
6. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)
7. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
8. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics., they will only remember who lived.
9. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
10. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
11. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
12. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
13. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
14. Have a plan.
15. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
16. Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
17. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
18. Don't drop your guard.
19. Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
20. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
21. Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
22. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Navy Rules for Gun Fighting:
1. Go to Sea 2. Send the Marines 3. Drink Coffee.
Army Rules for Gun Fighting:
Show up after fight to provide security and help hand out food to all of the displaced civilians. |
Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting:
Watch this all on cable in a BOQ while drinking a beer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This is information only - not an endorsement)
USMC Rules For Gun Fighting:
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".
3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
4. Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss.
5. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
6. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.)
7. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
8. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics., they will only remember who lived.
9. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
10. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
11. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
12. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
13. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
14. Have a plan.
15. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
16. Use cover and concealment as much as possible.
17. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
18. Don't drop your guard.
19. Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees.
20. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
21. Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough.
22. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Navy Rules for Gun Fighting:
1. Go to Sea 2. Send the Marines 3. Drink Coffee.
Army Rules for Gun Fighting:
Show up after fight to provide security and help hand out food to all of the displaced civilians. |
Air Force Rules for Gun Fighting:
Watch this all on cable in a BOQ while drinking a beer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Political Jokes
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
His prick was stuck in the chicken!
Did you hear that Bill Clinton switched from a cigar to a pipe? He said cigars are for pussies!
Bill Clinton said I didn't tell her to lie in the deposition! I told her to ly in da position!
Monica Lewinsky goes to the same dry cleaners every day since she was a little girl. The owner was partially def. So she brought a blouse in and said to the owner "I need this dress by Friday". He being almost def responded with "huh?" Monica said once again "I need this dress by Friday". He said "Come again!"
She said "No it's speghetti sauce!"
His prick was stuck in the chicken!
Did you hear that Bill Clinton switched from a cigar to a pipe? He said cigars are for pussies!
Bill Clinton said I didn't tell her to lie in the deposition! I told her to ly in da position!
Monica Lewinsky goes to the same dry cleaners every day since she was a little girl. The owner was partially def. So she brought a blouse in and said to the owner "I need this dress by Friday". He being almost def responded with "huh?" Monica said once again "I need this dress by Friday". He said "Come again!"
She said "No it's speghetti sauce!"
I gots jokes
Confuses says:
Baseball wrong! man with four balls can not walk!
Good to meet lady in park, But better to park meat in lady!
Man who stand on toilet high on pot!
Man who go to sleep with sex on mind, wake up with solution in hand!
Man who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind!
Difference between pick pocket and peeping Tom, pick pocket snatches watches, peeping tom watches snatches!
Man who lay woman on ground, have piece on earth!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man was sick so he went to the hospital and says to the doc "I got aches and pains all over, what can you do? can you help me?" Well the doc said I'm going to do a series of tests on you" Doc comes back with the results an hour later. Says well you got melaria, meningitus, shingles, crabs, AIDS, three different legions on your body that we've never seen before, so were gonna put you in this special room and feed you a special diet of pancakes and tortilla's". The man said " is that gonna cure me doc?" He said "no, But you can't slide to much more under that door!"
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Man goes to lunch with his buddy one day and tells him that his elbow has really been bothering him and he's thinking about going to the hospital. His buddy tells him "with the technology that's out there doctor's are gonna be a thing of the past. Just come up to my office today and bring a urine sample and put it in the machine." so the guy goes up there puts his urine sample in the machine and a 5 dollar bill. the machine makes some noise and spits out a piece of paper. On the paper says " you have tennis elbow, soak your elbow in warm salt water once a night for the next two weeks and your tennis elbow should heal.
This guy starts to think this is some real futuristic technology and that he should put it to the test. So he goes home and gets some tap water, dogs urine, wifes urine, daughters urine, and decides he should rub one out in there just to see if the machine would catch it. So he goes to the machine and puts the sample in the machine and gives it 5 dollars. This time the machine makes quite a bit more noise and spits out a piece of paper that reads "Your water is hard, get water softner! your dog has worms get him vitamins! Your daughter is on drugs, get her rehab! Your wife is pregnant. It's not yours, get a lawyer! and if you don't stop masterbating your tennis elbow will never heal!
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If men wrote advice columns!
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me! What should I do?
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. And hell. Why not get some of your college roommates involved as well? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. And if your still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do?
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it on him twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. What can I do?
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour an should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress reliever and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than a man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house also) Just look at how emoitionally happy he is after he returns to a clean and stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is invite your best friend over to take turns performing oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal!
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. What should I do?
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help out. And if your gonna do this atleast have the common sense to video tape it for your husband and present it to him as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt when he gets home you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. What can I do?
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at will on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure what the problem is, Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal!
Baseball wrong! man with four balls can not walk!
Good to meet lady in park, But better to park meat in lady!
Man who stand on toilet high on pot!
Man who go to sleep with sex on mind, wake up with solution in hand!
Man who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind!
Difference between pick pocket and peeping Tom, pick pocket snatches watches, peeping tom watches snatches!
Man who lay woman on ground, have piece on earth!
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At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.
During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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Man was sick so he went to the hospital and says to the doc "I got aches and pains all over, what can you do? can you help me?" Well the doc said I'm going to do a series of tests on you" Doc comes back with the results an hour later. Says well you got melaria, meningitus, shingles, crabs, AIDS, three different legions on your body that we've never seen before, so were gonna put you in this special room and feed you a special diet of pancakes and tortilla's". The man said " is that gonna cure me doc?" He said "no, But you can't slide to much more under that door!"
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Man goes to lunch with his buddy one day and tells him that his elbow has really been bothering him and he's thinking about going to the hospital. His buddy tells him "with the technology that's out there doctor's are gonna be a thing of the past. Just come up to my office today and bring a urine sample and put it in the machine." so the guy goes up there puts his urine sample in the machine and a 5 dollar bill. the machine makes some noise and spits out a piece of paper. On the paper says " you have tennis elbow, soak your elbow in warm salt water once a night for the next two weeks and your tennis elbow should heal.
This guy starts to think this is some real futuristic technology and that he should put it to the test. So he goes home and gets some tap water, dogs urine, wifes urine, daughters urine, and decides he should rub one out in there just to see if the machine would catch it. So he goes to the machine and puts the sample in the machine and gives it 5 dollars. This time the machine makes quite a bit more noise and spits out a piece of paper that reads "Your water is hard, get water softner! your dog has worms get him vitamins! Your daughter is on drugs, get her rehab! Your wife is pregnant. It's not yours, get a lawyer! and if you don't stop masterbating your tennis elbow will never heal!
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If men wrote advice columns!
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me! What should I do?
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. And hell. Why not get some of your college roommates involved as well? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. And if your still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do?
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it on him twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. What can I do?
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour an should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress reliever and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than a man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house also) Just look at how emoitionally happy he is after he returns to a clean and stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is invite your best friend over to take turns performing oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal!
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. What should I do?
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help out. And if your gonna do this atleast have the common sense to video tape it for your husband and present it to him as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt when he gets home you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. What can I do?
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at will on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure what the problem is, Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal!
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