I gots jokes

Confuses says:

Baseball wrong! man with four balls can not walk!

Good to meet lady in park, But better to park meat in lady!

Man who stand on toilet high on pot!

Man who go to sleep with sex on mind, wake up with solution in hand!

Man who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind!

Difference between pick pocket and peeping Tom, pick pocket snatches watches, peeping tom watches snatches!

Man who lay woman on ground, have piece on earth!
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At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
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Man was sick so he went to the hospital and says to the doc "I got aches and pains all over, what can you do? can you help me?" Well the doc said I'm going to do a series of tests on you" Doc comes back with the results an hour later. Says well you got melaria, meningitus, shingles, crabs, AIDS, three different legions on your body that we've never seen before, so were gonna put you in this special room and feed you a special diet of pancakes and tortilla's". The man said " is that gonna cure me doc?" He said "no, But you can't slide to much more under that door!"
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Man goes to lunch with his buddy one day and tells him that his elbow has really been bothering him and he's thinking about going to the hospital. His buddy tells him "with the technology that's out there doctor's are gonna be a thing of the past. Just come up to my office today and bring a urine sample and put it in the machine." so the guy goes up there puts his urine sample in the machine and a 5 dollar bill. the machine makes some noise and spits out a piece of paper. On the paper says " you have tennis elbow, soak your elbow in warm salt water once a night for the next two weeks and your tennis elbow should heal.
This guy starts to think this is some real futuristic technology and that he should put it to the test. So he goes home and gets some tap water, dogs urine, wifes urine, daughters urine, and decides he should rub one out in there just to see if the machine would catch it. So he goes to the machine and puts the sample in the machine and gives it 5 dollars. This time the machine makes quite a bit more noise and spits out a piece of paper that reads "Your water is hard, get water softner! your dog has worms get him vitamins! Your daughter is on drugs, get her rehab! Your wife is pregnant. It's not yours, get a lawyer! and if you don't stop masterbating your tennis elbow will never heal!
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If men wrote advice columns!

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me! What should I do?

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend.  Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. And hell. Why not get some of your college roommates involved as well?  If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. And if your still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do?

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it on him twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. What can I do?

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour an should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress reliever and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember nothing can rekindle your relationship better than a man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house also) Just look at how emoitionally happy he is after he returns to a clean and stable home. The best thing for you to do when he returns home is invite your best friend over to take turns performing oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal!

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. What should I do?

A:  Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help out. And if your gonna do this atleast have the common sense to video tape it for your husband and present it to him as a birthday gift.  To ease your selfish guilt when he gets home you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q:  My husband is uninterested in foreplay. What can I do?

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband at will on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you should perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

Q:  My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A:  I'm not sure what the problem is, Perhaps you forgot to cook him a nice meal!